So usually my blog is about music. But today I'm gonna hijack it to write about something that means so much to me and many more in Ireland. Unless you've been living under a rock , you'll know that on May 22nd , this country will go the polls to vote whether same sex marriage will be legalised in Ireland. Its a personal and emotive subject. A campaign that has been brutal. A campaign that has been run on fear and red herrings and the use of chidren as pawns.
When you go behind the curtain of the ballot box on May 22nd , you will be asked quite simply -" Do you propose to amend Article 41 of the Constitution to allow marriage to be in accordance with law by two people without distinction as to their sex. "
It sounds simple doesn't it. It actually really is. Well at least it should be. But this simple question has been muddied by questions of surrogacy , childrens rights , and lets be honest about it , gool old fashioned homophobia. More on all that in a bit.
I've found myself becoming quite down and effected by some of the social media comments I've read. I'm not the most thick skinned person even at 31 and proudly gay.
Its hard and torturous to say the least to see people mock , belittle , and sometimes quite vicously pour such unbridled scorn and spite on an issue that could change so many lives. Lives for the better.
A lot of the commentary has brought me back to a time when I was struggling with my own sexuality and the idea of coming out to be akin to Armageddon.
I'm from a big family who I adore , they all at that time were involved with GAA , and everyone seemed to know us because theres so many of us. And where I live is at times frustatingly a small town.
I always knew I was gay. From a kid through to my teen years. I thought it would just pass. But it doesn't and I'm glad it hasn't. What made me realise that I was in fact gay , was when I was 18. I had no interest in girls. I was a good actor who played along with straight mates from school and college. I pretended I liked Pamela Anderson or whoever the current FHM big titted pin up was. In reality , away from prying eyes , I was in lust with David Beckham and numerous boyband members. It was only when I fell for someone and it wasn't just lust , that I realised that yeah , this isn't going away. Im not gonna wake up and be straight. Be 'normal '. I actually was in love with someone. I was in college and I was head over heels in love with this person.
It was an emotional rollercoaster that scarred me at 18. He was straight , I was effectively outed. I still remember that rainy Wednesday when the shit hit the fan. I was in a complete daze. Miles from home , I went to the nearest McDonalds in Artane. Dazed. I looked at people and thought -"How would they think if they knew I was gay "
My mother then randomly rang me when I got back to my digs and I still remember her asking me " Was I alright ". After I reassured her I was and hung up the phone , I just burst into tears. I went home that weekend , carrying this burden deep within me. Burying it with alcohol as I went out with the lads and kissed some ramdom girl. Oh the thoughts of it. God love her , she was pissed out of her head and here I was pretending I was enjoying munching the face off her. Keeping up appearances. I dodged the bullet of coming out until probably summer 2003. A year later.
At this time I had already confided in some close friends. And some college mates had speculated. Not in a bad way as they were an amazing bunch of people. And there was another guy. Again he was straight. Unbelievably straight. And also , just a tad homophobic. But I adored him, fancied him and kinda looked up to him in a way. He was good looking , cocky , played in a band , had plenty of attention from women. Which he lapped up spectacularly at times. We were really good mates. And when on my 19th birthday , I drunkenly let just a small notion slip he simply replied " Whatever makes you happy "
When I pressed him about some of his previous homophobia , he just said " well that's different , cos its you "
It was a strange but comforting compliment that I embraced. The night of my graduation I more or less just came out , walking down Grafton Street at 5 in the morning. My friend at the time knew anyway and would go on to be an absolute legend who would navigate Dublin's gay scene with me some time later. She even went in and bought me my first copy of Attitude Magazine in the shop that morning. She didn't give a shit. I of course did.
But it was all well and good whilst away from home in Dublin. Being out in Waterford was the big litmus test. There was no running there. And so I came out later that winter . Yeah it was tough. A tough few months. Ducking and diving around the town.
Some people were amazing. Of course with a big family it was tough. Because you just don't worry about what they think but everyone they're associated with.
So yeah , I had numerous times when I was met with skitting and grinning in nightclubs , staring , whispering.
It was intimidating and it hurt. I was 20. Im 31 now and it would still hurt despite the social changes of the past decade.
Friends were great to an extent. There were some that wouldn't go near a gay club with me in case they were hit on. And then there was being self conscious all the time.
So Dublin it was. And I got truly swept away in the gay scene. It was just an extremely mischievous and happy time. And I adored Panti. Me and my best mate were always in bewildered awe of this towering doyenne of the gay scene. And ten years later , Panti remains as heroic to me as back then. The Noble Call speech following Pantigate brought it home how it was like to be gay in Ireland. To have to check yourself. What am I giving away.
And now here we are just weeks away from making a really positive change for this country. Shouldn't it be celebrated that there are so many gay and lesbian couples who are crying out to get married ? Should we not have that chance too. We respect marriage. We love like you love. We rear children like you do.
Nobody wants to taint or make a mockery or parody of marriage as that clown John Waters once put it. Civil partnerships are not enough and they never were. And those heavily campaigning for a NO are the same people who thought the sky would fall in when civil partnership law was enacted. Well guess ehat , it hasn't. And on May 23rd , should this referendum pass , marriage will only be strengthened not tainted.
I have no desire to have children. I have two nieces that I love to the moon and back. Regardless of a yes or no vote , its important to reinforce and reiterate that children in this country WILL ALWAYS come first.
Marriage is not being redefined , its being extended to include same sex couples. If those that are spinning that yarn really bothered , then shouldn't divorce be illegal. Some people are lucky to go up the aisle once. Others have been married numerous times in their lives. People fall in love , get married and sometimes , just sometimes it doesn't work out. And people are entitled to move o with their lives and remarry.
I cant even get married once. Or should I get married to a lesbian woman and have affairs with men. Will that keep the sanctity of my marriage intact.
We just want to be happy or miserable like everyone else. No one is being held at gunpoint over what way to vote. That's the latest snide tactic by No campaigners. But before you vote , be informed. Find out why it matters so much to so many people.
And there are those who are just plain homophobic. Of course that's the new word you cant call anyone anymore. Well I like to call a spade a spade and a homophobe a homophobe. There will be those who will exercise their vote because as I saw online " those fucking queers wantin everything their way , faggots etc etc "
A yes vote wont make homophobia go away but it will go a long way to making young closeted gay teenagers feel that they are not less and not just " a fucking queer ".
I proudly wear my Yes Equality badge. I don't wear it to be provocative or to flaunt my sexuality in peoples faces. Its just a badge. Yet even wearing a simple badge makes me feel self conscious. Will someone scream abuse at me in the street ?
And this argument about being silenced is more nonsense. Gay people have been silenced for a long time , arrested in this country not that long ago.
I would still feel scared , quite frankly terrified to hold a partners hand in public or even show the merest form of affection in a public place. Blind panic.
Ireland has had a rough few years , we all know that. We've all lived with it. The recession , the guarantee , the corruption , the sugar coated bullshit.
And now we stand a year from celebrating 100 years as a small but amazing country with an unbelievable history. We have the chance to make more history and lead the world in helping to mould a society which is inclusive and equal to all. To finally tear off the shackles of Catholic guilt and let love win out.
Love is not be feared. I don't write this to tell anyone how to vote. But to share my own experiences and see why this means a lot to me. I have shed tears over this referendum. I will shed more between now and the end of May , whatever way the result goes. I shed tears when I'm told that I am not deserving of happiness. I shed tears when I am dismissed as just a "queer ".
I close this by simply saying I just want the chance to get married. It is something I never dreamt could be possible for me. We bleed the same , we cry the same , we love the same. We are the same.
One life. One chance.
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